I Want the Likeness of Jesus

Sunday

12/5/2010

9:52 PM

A friend of mind reminded me I have a blog today which in turn made me remember I haven’t written a post since Thanksgiving eve. And since I’m exhausted, and frustrated with certain circumstances going around me and in my life I’m going to be as raw as my current emotions. Can ya handle it? Good…

It seems that from every side I’ve been faced with people on different levels of unforgiveness and offense. I myself am even plagued with the beast.

It all started about three weeks ago when a co-worker of mine, in his frustration, yelled and cursed me out because I wasn’t working fast enough for him; it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life and I cried for hours because of it. The man has yet to apologize and I never expected him to anyway.

Since then, forgiving him has been extremely difficult. I have to see him three times a week and every time he passes by I think some of the most evil thoughts (and repent afterwards). It’s gotten so bad that I don’t even feel comfortable taking communion at church. I’m angry and hurt on a deep level (I get emotionally crippled when people yell at me in anger, which is why my parents and friends rarely do it).

Some have counseled me to forgive him completely while some say I have a right to be hurt because he hurt me. You know the old saying, fight fire with fire and it solves everything? I was thinking to myself if the latter is true, then how is that very Christ-like? I’ve been in a tug-of-war with my flesh over forgiving completely and letting things go on as if it never happened, or hanging on to my frustrations and continue to ignore him, quite my job (which I was SO tempted to do), etc.

I have felt the sting of unforgiveness before and if it festers sometimes it takes a miracle for God to uproot it. For two years I was so angry over this girl and guy at my church because she, I guess you could say, “Stole him” away from me even though I never had him to begin with. I was fourteen/fifteen at the time and it taught me major lessons, but my heart stunk for two whole years. When I went to The Call in Nashville God took that out of me.

When I think back on that experience I can do nothing but sigh and think, I don’t want to waste two more years of my life being angry. Even when I leave this job, I don’t want to leave with anger in my heart.

I don’t want to go around proclaiming, “Love, love” where honestly, when you get to the core of it, there is no love. If I can’t love one then I love none. Because of these deep convictions and the power of the Holy Spirit within me, I have chosen the most crooked, thorn-infested, up-hill road of forgiveness—The Narrow Road. Will it be easy? Not at all. Is it the most necessary? Absolutely.

I know it’s going to take me a while before forgiveness is completely settled and that’s okay. As long as I’m walking; as long as I’m repenting for my anger and frustrations, I’ll be okay. Christ is with me every step of the way; every surrendered thought, every act of repentance, every baby-sized teeter-tottering movement towards complete forgiveness is a HUGE leap of victory in my Daddy’s eyes. I know that as long as I’m not throwing in the towel and saying in my mind, “I’m done; go to hell, you freak,” (which I have, to expose my own sinful nature…and that’s the toned down version!) then I’m not tumbling backwards into the oblivion of bitterness.

He will never know the fear and agony I was in at that time; he will never apologize. But I am positive that as long as I keep battling my flesh, God will grace me to say, “I forgive you,” and show him that I do. Not just say it; do it! That is the fruit of love. It is patient; kind; it is not arrogant or rude; love bears all things; hopes all things and endures all things.” *NIV

I think of all the times God has taken be back after all of the commitments I’ve made and broken, made and broken, made and broken again and again; my rants and apologies, rants and apologies spoken over and over. Every time I come crawling back, he erases it and says it has never happened. With such a love He has for me, why can’t I do the same for others who he loves just as equally?

My cry is, Jesus, help me do the same…“I want to be holy as you are holy; I want to be righteous as you are righteous; I want to be loving as you are loving but most of all: I want the likeness of Jesus.” *Likeness of Jesus, Jonathan Hessler

If you ever get the urgency to, please pray for me. Grace that I may forgive and love as Jesus loved. And to show genuine love to not only to him but all of my co-workers. Thanks.

I suddenly feel so much better now. =)

Sincerity from my heart,

~Rose